I’ve been a mom for over 5 years, but the past year has been the hardest. From sibling fights, whining, hitting, to lying, we have had our patience stretched more than ever. This is typical. I get it. It just feels like “real” parenting issues, not simply schedules and basic manners.
I think it’s important to share my hopes for parenting and our family here. I want children who love Jesus. I want them to see my relationship with Him and have hearts that pursue Him. I believe discipling my children is my priority. Yes, we want them to listen and obey and be respectful and kind, functioning human beings, but we recognized that in order to get there, we have to deal with the root issue of parenting and discipline... sin.
We also are aware of trauma parenting strategies and have always focused on attachment parenting. We use words like consequence and discipline vs. the more negative term punishment. We have tried spanking. Doesn’t work for us. We have tried timeouts. Hit or miss. We have tried taking away privileges. Hit or miss, again.
I love the book Parenting by Paul David Tripp. He gets to the heart of parenting with the fact that we need to teach our kids their need for Jesus. We do this by recognizing and showing our children how we need Jesus. We don’t use fear tactics to parent; we show them how much we need Jesus. We don’t heap up consequences (or rewards) that don’t create lasting change in our kids. I’ll just say this... go get the book.
While reading recently, I had yet another encounter where my oldest lies to my face. She’s 5 and has no poker face, so at least it’s obvious. But, we’ve been talking repeatedly about why lying isn’t ok. She’s lost privileges, like watching shows. But guess what? No change. I was so frustrated and honestly sad. It sucks to be lied to, even by a 5 yr old, and I felt like I was failing her because I couldn’t teach her how to stop. So, I prayed again. And here’s what the Holy Spirit gave me:
The Process:
The first thing I had to do was make sure that she felt secure in my love for her, no matter what. That I know she can make good choices, but this isn’t one of them.
Then, I pointed out how this was sin. Some may flinch here, but think of it this way. Anything that keeps us from God, anything that isn’t from God, that’s sin. We need to call it like it is, even if it seems harsh. I made sure to gently speak and quietly remind her what sin is and why this is sin and how we need God to help us with our sin. I asked her if she understood to make sure this wasn’t just a lecture.
Once, she agreed and was repentant, aka sad and wanting to do better, I told her it was time to confess it to God. I reminded her that God is faithful to forgive our sins and shared how often I have to ask God for forgiveness myself. We talked about why this is the very reason why Jesus had to die on the cross, to pay the penalty for our sins, and how awesome it is that we know because of Jesus, God forgives us. Just two sinners working together to be faithful... :)
Then I walked her through praying to God and asking God to forgive her sin. At this point, I asked if she had made up her mind to not do that behavior again. She vehemently said “yes”. Changing your mind, turning from your sin, that’s repentance, not just saying “sorry”. We talked about a few strategies that may help her next time she felt the urge to lie.
But, we didn’t stop there.
I have learned that I am incapable of lasting change on my own. My flesh just doesn’t want to stop sinning. The only good in me is from Jesus, so if I want to change, I need to ask for His help. I explained that to her and we finished our prayer asking God to help her not lie anymore, to be truthful and honest.
We finished with a big hug and reminders about God’s love, mercy and Grace.
We have since applied this process to many repeated behaviors that drive a mama crazy. I have even applied it to my own sin patterns and I share it with her too. She may be a child who makes me crazy with her sin, but I am a child just the same, who thankfully has a Father who is ever patient and loving with me. My hope is to teach my children His faithfulness, patience, kindness, and love more than elevate how important I am as a parent.
I’ll keep you posted on how it progresses, but since this idea came from the Holy Spirit and it biblically checks out, I’m super excited about it.
Here’s a quick 3 step graphic that you can save to help you remember:
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