Lord willing

I typically share on Instagram and Facebook and copy it to this blog. But sometimes I forget and then, all of a sudden, it seems my blog has missed a lot. A lot.

March 25th, we found out we were expecting our 4th child. This was a beautiful surprise for us because we truly had surrendered our family to God and while I wanted longer to detox from mold (I had to stop all protocols with pregnancy, because it's unsafe for the baby), we were thrilled.

The pregnancy started like my others... ninja nose, tired, and around 6 weeks I was so tired I could barely workout. Like wow. I got a lot of stares of "is she gonna pass out" at the gym lol.

My first appt was April 14th, I was 7 weeks on the nose. Well, another surprise... TWINS. Before you get too excited, I'll jump ahead in my story and tell you that we have lost our precious baby A. He/she stopped growing just one week later, but we didn't find out until the 27th, which happened to be our 10 year anniversary.

In those 2 weeks, everything changed. Twins is a BIG deal. It's not just double everything, it's almost immeasurably different. We changed our original plan to homebirth with a midwife to a hospital birth. Instead of the due date being December 1st, the goal truly became 37 weeks on November 10th. We dove straight in and were incredibly thrilled for twins. Wow.

I shared a post on FB during those weeks where I talked about how hard it has always been for me to answer the questions "How many pregnancies have you had? How many live children?" Because it's always a reminder that I took my first child's life through abortion, 20 years ago. It devastates me. But now, how at the end of this pregnancy I'll be able to answer 5 pregnancies and 5 children (and while that doesn't take away Emily's life, it does take away the unwanted hurt the question brings up).

But something bothered me about that post... I almost changed it a few times and I'm not sure why I didn't. I should have written that how at the end of this pregnancy LORD WILLING, I would have five live children. It ate at me, and now it's all I can think about...

If the Lord wills, we live.

If the Lord wills, we die.

If the Lord wills, we grieve.

If the Lord wills, we rejoice.

And I don't think I'll ever be the same.

On the way to the appointment on the 27th, Tim and I talked about how very much we wanted these babies. But how we also trust God and want His best for us, even if it isn't what we want. And I think I still mean that. It just hurts so dang bad. And I don't understand why one of my babies is in Heaven with Him and the other still grows in my womb.

I even have a hard time believing that at the end of this I'll hold baby B in my arms. Because Lord willing and all that. He must will it and I can't change it.

I've never understood more that I cannot change my circumstances... God must change me IN my circumstances. (Butchered Elisabeth Elliot quote)

So, Lord willing, I'll get to hold and living, breathing miracle sometime after Thanksgiving. It's been a dream of mine to have a November baby from the moment my husband and I started trying for our first in 2013. Maybe I'll get one, but I also know I mourn one already.

Grief is hard. Finding joy in the middle of it is even harder. I'm thankful for the 9 years I've spent digging in God's word, learning His character. Because my head and my heart are very much at war right now.

I said in another post that I walk with a limp now. I'll never be the same. But, I'll keep wrestling with God. I won't give up. I know He's here with me, even though I'm currently mad and hurt. Lord, help my unbelief.