Life has been challenging lately. I thought I'd put a time frame on "lately" and I realized it's been longer than the 3 months I've been offline. If you are new here, about 2 years ago this time of year I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd daughter (well, we didn't know she was a girl yet, but you get the point). I had been working online for 7 years at the time and my latest business had been keeping our family afloat after a series of job losses and the debt that comes from that. However, I had been plagued with health issues that started in 2018. So, my ability to work or even to share content here was limited based on what God would allow me to do via my health. It may sound weird that I phrase it that way, but I learned very early on, I can have all the "want to", have all the plans, schedules, routines, and checklists, but if God wants to "interrupt" my day, He will. I also learned that whatever God places in front of me isn't the interruption. It's my real life. (Quote from someone else that I can't remember, not my brain.) Anyway, I had been wrestling with my business and my family and our needs for a while. Fast forward to May 2021 and our daughter is born. I'm hit with brutal postpartum depression and anxiety. I'm pretty sure I had postpartum thyroiditis and after finally trying medication (for less than a month), I was hit with debilitating claustrophobia. (Stick with me here, this isn't a complaining fest, I'm just setting up what God has taught me.) Needless to say, I barely stumbled through life for an entire year. There were days where all I could whisper in my head were "God, sustain me." On repeat. Again and again. That's all I had. And here I am, almost 16 months later, and He did. He's faithful like that.
But back to "lately"... during all this time I had to let my "want to's" go. That may not seem like that big of a deal, but when your family can't make ends meet because of it, it's hard. Really hard. Then, the stuff started happening. The stuff like our van breaking down... twice (which is the only car that fits our entire family). The floors in half of our home (which we rent) being torn up to where we can see the crawl space for weeks. With mold. While we cough and struggle to breathe. While I homeschool my bigs, with no van to bring us places, no space to even sit all together, and a 1 yr old who wants to GO. It's been an overwhelming "lately". We need $ that we don't have. We've drained our emergency fund. My residual income check was the lowest it's been in almost 5 years. My husband working constantly to make ends meet and it's just been hard. Plain old hard.
I think the hardest part is that it feels like we are back to where we were 5 years ago financially. Unable to make ends meet and this just has made me feel like I got the wrong memo. That I did something wrong (which is a whole other blog). But here's the good part...
As I cried my way through church yesterday, just feeling so defeated and confused, I realized something. God didn't promise riches or comfortable living. He promised to save me. And He did. He stepped down from Heaven and entered into my mess (and we all know my story is a mess). He took my rightly deserved punishment and died for me. Then... and this is my favorite part, because this is the part that set me free... He rose. He stepped out of that grave and He lived, and it changed everything. For me, for you, for the whole world. And you know what? If all He ever does for me is save me, it's enough. He is enough.
So... "lately" it's been really hard and overwhelming at times. But, my Savior reigns. He's over it all. I can trust Him. So, can you.