"There will be moments when you will feel unprepared for what is on your plate. In these moments, look up and remember that above it all there is a throne, and on it sits a God of unimaginable majesty, ruling all for his glory and for your good."-Paul David Tripp (New Morning Mercies)
I started this blog to keep it real. I want to encourage people too. That's sort of my thing. I'm a professional encourager, but it is important to note that encouragement doesn't always come with "yay! this is awesome!" Sometimes, encouragement comes with "wow! This is so freaking hard." That's where you are meeting me today.
This. is. hard.
Lately I've been extra cranky. Extra short-tempered and impatient. I'm having to seriously talk myself out of drinking wine at 2pm. Which sure is fine every once in a while, but not every day or every week or every month. And before, you think I have a drinking problem, I don't even drink wine every day. I'm simply talking about the mom struggle that makes you long for what a glass of wine brings.... the kids asleep, a quiet house, and some alone time. It has nothing to do with the wine, but everything to do with the break. Am I right?
So, I'm not my best self.
I keep trying to get a handle on it. A calendar (actually three). Journaling (come to think of it, I have three of those too: prayer/letters to God, food/mood, Scripture). I'm back to working out 4-5 days a week. I'm unplugging earlier each day. I have a routine that puts my family first. The house is almost ready for home studies. When will they start? I have no idea. Paperwork is mostly done. When will we get the rest? I have no idea, again. I have what we need for homeschooling... I think. I'm getting the hang of being gluten and dairy free (it's been a month and I don't feel better. Another blog maybe?) And that's just to name a few things.
I feel like I'm spinning.
Or maybe it's a pinball that just keeps bouncing around?
I don't know, but I have a feeling that a lot of you feel like me right now. Maybe your list is different than mine, but it's still overwhelming. You still feel totally incapable of controlling any of it, of accomplishing anything, and even when you do accomplish something, you don't really like the harried person you became in order to get it done. Just me?
Here's what God is reminding me:
I am in fact NOT in control. He is. And while that isn't a news flash, I need it. I seriously can't do this. I'm drowning. I can place every single one of those things on my plate at His feet and He will pick them up... Wait, that's not right... He will show me that He was already carrying them. I'm just over here trying to pull them out of His hands. And why would I pull things like my children, future children, their hearts, their faith, their education, their families, our finances, my health, this crazy world, why, seriously WHY, would I want to carry that burden that was never meant for me to carry? Why do I keep insisting that I do it? I'm like a petulant child. I want my own way even when I don't know what I'm doing. It's laughable and it breaks my heart.
But this is me. A sinner.
And this is him. My father, my refuge, my safe place.
I can't change myself or my behaviors enough to find peace.That is only found in one place and that is Jesus. I will always be unprepared, out of control, and basically a mess, but as Clayton King says, " A miracle first requires a mess." And I'm holding on tight to my friend, Jesus, and I am believing that He will move into my life, give me peace, and work all things for His glory and my good.
You can trust this too, my unprepared and stressed out friend.
He's got you.
Praise Him!
He is always good,
Natalie