“I can’t do this...”

This is so out of my element. I’m a type A, enneagram 8. I like control and I love a good plan. This is NOT foster care.

From the very beginning of this process, even before we decided to do this, I knew there was NO way I could do this. Not on my own.

How could I upend my life for a child that may or may not stay?

There are a million things to think about....

I run a business during pockets of my day. I want more time.

I homeschool. How much will this interrupt?

We would have to move the kids’ bedrooms. (We did.)

We needed a car to fit more children. (We now have one.)

We need more car seats. (Just infant)

I have two children. How will they deal?

How much will it hurt when the kids leave?

What if they don’t leave?

As you can see, there are SO many unknowns. So many questions. Way more than those I listed.

Here‘s where surrender is repeatedly happening...

Covid

My allergies- ever changing

Job changes and losses

School closures... you get the picture.

Control is an illusion.

I am not in control.

So, I have a choice. Keep trying to cling to my own high-performer skills. I have a lot of them, but they never bring me peace. I just go and go and go and feel like I’m drowning.

OR

I could trust the One who knows more than I do. “His ways are higher than our ways”. He knows what I don’t and I made the decision to trust Him with my life. I can live like I have faith or I can drown. That is truly the option. So, when I clicked the button for more information, I prayed. “God, if this is your will, make it happen.” When we signed up for Impact training, “God, stop this train if I’m hearing you wrong.” And now, with tangible proof that not only is He not stopping this train, but providing for it, it keeps on moving, “God, hold me up. I can’t do this on my own.”

And, He is faithful.

This is NOT because we are prepared.

This is NOT because our life is ready for this.

This is NOT because we have the money or the freedom or the perfect situation to do this.

This is NOT because it won’t break my heart when a child I love goes home.

This is because our Father calls us to love the widow and the orphan.

This is because my life is not my own.

This is because He knows what’s best for me, Tim, and our bio children.

This is because every single child deserves to be loved + cherished.

This is because there is NEED for loving foster families.

This is because we trust God.

Every single day I doubt.

Every single day I panic.

Every single day I cling to God.

I can’t do this, but I know the One who can.

God is over this, and I’ve never felt closer to Him than when I walk this path.